THE SECRET DIARY OF FRUSTRATED WRITER #42

Day 1:

Woke up this morning with a FANTASTIC idea for a novel! No one has ever done this before! I will REVITALIZE epic fantasy! Wrote three chapters before breakfast!

Day 6:

Just finished the latest Mercedes Lackey novel, and had an epiphany. The orphan-makes-good thing has been done to death! Uh oh. Must rewrite first three chapters.

Day 8:

Finished rewrite of chapters 1 through 3. Protagonist now has parents, brothers, sisters, and an eccentric uncle. Much better.

Day 10:

Just re-read Dragonflight. Awesome book! Also drafted chapters 8 and 9.

Day 11:

Realized that the "psychic animal companion" thing has been done to death too. Deleted chapters 8 and 9 from hard drive.

Day 12:

Rewrote chapters 8 and 9 without Blinky the psychic Ostrich-like animal companion. Seems kind of lame without him. Friend recommended "Tough Guide to Fantasyland." Ordered it from Amazon.com.

Day 15:

"Tough Guide" arrived today. Very funny. Very depressing. Must rewrite chapters 1-12 to eliminate all references to stew. Also have to find out more about horses; didn't realize they had to be fed so much.

Day 19:

Finished rewriting chapters 1 through 12. Very clever. Characters now eat "zemai" and "t'mat." No one will realize this is corn (maize, get it?) & tomatoes, or if they do, will think I'm clever and original for not having my characters eat stew. Also remembered to mention feeding horses from time to time.

Day 32:

Finished Rob't Jordan novel I have been reading. Did global search-and-replace on "zemai" and "t'mat." After much thought replaced "zemai" with "pemmican" (v. clever) and t'mat with "waybread" (also v. clever and original; borrowed pemmican from Am. Indians but nobody will know that).

Day 75:

Sent draft of Section 1 to first reader. Think it's GOOD!

Day 88:

First reader says "waybread" is ripped off from Tolkien! Is not! I've NEVER even READ Tolkien! Why should I have to change "waybread" just because some dead has-been English professor used it in like the 1960's before I was ever even born? Like, who reads Tolkien now anyway that would know?

Day 89:

At bookstore today. Saw Tolkien on shelf. Apparently he's still in print. Decided to rewrite the whole thing as SF instead of Fantasy. No "Tough Guide" to SF — I checked! All waybread is now ship's biscuit. Keeping protagonist brothers and sisters; that's original anyway! Picked up two cool-looking SF books: Speaker for the Dead and Price of the Stars.

Day 101:

Protagonists in Speaker for the Dead and Price of the Stars all have massive families. Guess that's been done too. Going out later today to buy pistol and one round of ammo. Wait. Better make it two. Can't seem to get anything right on the first try after all.