THE SECRET DIARY OF FRUSTRATED SLUSHREADER #72

Day 1:

281 new submissions. Rejected 279. "Lost" 2. V. good.
Spent afternoon feeling superior.
Still not Editor.

Day 4:

318 new submissions. Rejected 317 1/2. Forwarded 1/2 sub to Editor.
Amused self by switching strands of hair between pages of rejected stories. Editor left early, complaining about his workload. Was that an invitation to the Secret Cabal in his pocket?

Day 10:

403 new submissions. Rejected 405 to get ahead for the weekend.
Slush reader at Peachy Keen Adventure Tales shared new hobby with me. Said you offer to critique new writer's story but give useless advice couched in vague terms. Then watch new writers run around in circles trying to interpret it. V. funny.

Day 13:

527 new submissions. 6 sparkly paper clips.
Mocked 5 new writers online. Go me!
Still not Editor.

Day 17:

953 new submissions. Rejected 951.
JJA may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I were Editor?

Day 21:

1739 new submissions. Rejected 487. Had to stop because of paper cut.
Spent the afternoon designing new form rejections with ten different colors and two different sizes. Told slush reader at Peachy Keen what I had done. Laughed ourselves silly.

Day 23:

4981 new submissions. Papercut not healed.
Slush update: towering.
Editor complained that submissions were blocking his office. Told me to "deal with it" or I'd be out the door the next morning. Hah. As if I could reach the door by now.

Day 37:

9815 new submissions. Situation dire.
At Editor's suggestion, have ordered hot new slush-reader's machine over the Internet. Hope the post office can find a way to deliver it.

Day 45:

New submissions: Countless thousands.
Mail carrier used blow torch to burn a path to our door. Spent afternoon assembling the item. Think I broke a nail.

Day 47:

New submissions: 891284576.
Fed 891284576 plus Editor to new slush-eating machine.
Appointed self as new Editor. Think I'll knock off for the afternoon and head over to the Secret Cabal for a beer.