THE SECRET DIARY OF EDITOR #19

Day 1:

Publisher asked me today to be editor of Peachy Keen Adventure Tales! Can't wait to carry on decades-long tradition of publishing great stories about heroic quests and powerful wizards and mighty-thewed warriors and foul monsters, etc. Also, should be v. good for picking up writer babes. Ordered 5000 business cards.

Day 2:

Seems PKAT only prints stories with starship pilot protagonists. How was I supposed to know? Reordered business cards, without wizard-hat logo.

Day 3:

Announced editorship online. Said will *NOT* accept email subs. In first hour after posting, received ten congratulations emails, twenty heroic-quest novellas by email (MS Word attachments, most with viruses), and fifty queries about whether will read their novels. No photos of writer babes. Tomorrow is party for new graduates from famous writing workshop (some silly name like "Workable Iliad Trumpet"); should be able to impress writer babes there.

Day 4:

Attended W.I.T. party. Not up to talking about it.

Day 5:

At party, spent entire evening mobbed by writers. Gave new business cards to all the students. They all kept saying their names to be sure I would remember them. And telling me about their fantasy trilogies. Finally, one student (babe!) told me there was a phone call for me. Gratefully escaped crowd. In other room, she told me wasn't really phone call, was just trying to save me from crowd. Was about to tell her was v. grateful and could I have her phone number when she started telling me about her fantasy tetralogy.

Day 6:

10 novellas, 15 queries. v. good. Must start reading slush soon.

Day 7:

Spent evening in bar with pro writers. Don't remember much.

Day 8:

Must start reading slush soon.

Day 9:

Read first story from slush. Evil demon-wizard Noruas tries to steal Necklace of Power from small hairy-footed person called Tibboh. v. original; too bad PKAT not looking for fantasy.

Day 10:

Read second story from slush. Story written without periods. Also missing commas, quotation marks, apostrophes, hyphens, adverbs, and vowels. v. hard to read.

Day 11:

Not up to reading more slush yet. Must pace myself.

Day 20:

Must start reading slush soon. Issue going to press in four days.

Day 21:

Have hit upon clever new plan: will hire writer (ideally babe) to be first reader. Then will only have to read good stories. Go me!

Day 22:

1 novella (v. good!!!), 232 queries (not good). Found first reader (babe!) who has agreed to work for free. Yes!

Day 23:

First reader has rejected 350 submissions so far, on grounds that first sentence didn't grab her. V. efficient. Has passed along 50 submissions to me, all fantasy.

Day 24:

Issue going to press today. Have decided to change name of magazine to Nifty Fantasy Stories. Hope publisher doesn't mind.