THE SECRET DIARY OF CLUELESS NEWBIE #99

Day 1:

I have decided to be a writer. I hate my job, and my teachers always told me I was incredibly creative. My sixth grade teacher loved my story about the little orphan bear who lives with his horrible cousins and gets taken to a magic school where all the little bears learn magic, only he finds out his Mama and Papa Bear were killed by the same Evil Wolf who put a lightning mark on his muzzle. She said it was so original! I know I can make tons of money, and never have to work again.

Day 2:

Bought a lot of books on writing. Signed up for a seminar on Professional Writing. Go me!

Day 10:

The books all say the same thing: "Tell an exciting story." I know I can do that! I have been practicing by telling everyone at work how each TV episode I watched the night before could have been better.

Day 12:

Everyone at work must have big deadlines — no one is ever in the coffee room any more. Well, that's all right. I go to the seminar tomorrow, and can practice there.

Day 14:

The seminar was so good! They said "Tell an exciting story." Also, you are not a pro unless you send out at least one story a week. I will write one a day, and send out five this week! The other writers are forming a workshop. I joined.

Day 20:

I turned in seven stories to the workshop. Everybody else either turned in one, or didn't get that far. Can hardly wait for next week's meeting. Go me!

Day 26:

Decided it takes too long to wait for workshop. Not professional. Sent out this week's four stories (Thursday I didn't write one because pervy boss said I must get caught up Or Else) to F&SF, my top market. Go pro!

Day 27:

Pervy workshoppers. They are jealous of my professional attitude. Why waste time pointing out stupid things like grammer mistake's? That's the editor's job! My job is to tell an exciting story. I got my revenge, though. Their's were all boring, and I said so.

Day 32:

Sent five more stories to F&SF, and the first four, which came back in a batch, to Azimov's. Go me! I am a professional!

Day 33:

Where is everyone at work? If I go to their cubicles, they are all on the phone with their boss, or just leaving for the rest room. If I go to the rest room, they are all just going out to lunch. Stupid drones. I'll soon be famous, and they'll still be here.

Day 42:

Workshop is definitely pervy. I think I'll quit. They said my stories are all derivative. Of course they are — the Pros at the Seminar said there are no such thing as new stories. And they have a fetish about grammer and speling mistake's.

Day 43:

Gloom. Bad Mail Day. Nasty rejection form from Azimov's, and my latest batch of stories to F&SF came back, envelope unopened, saying "Moved." Must find out new address. Stupid editors, why can't they stay in one place? Sent all the stories in one flat rate packet to Analog.

Day 55:

Quit workshop, joined on-line workshop, where they are not pervy. I know those others are all shagging each other — why else do they love each other's stories, and hate mine? Mine are totally exciting — Mom says so, when I describe them on the phone, and my roomie says so too. They ought to know, and so I said in my cover letter, along with pointers on what kind of illustrations I want.

Day 65:

Stories back from Analog. Stupid editors. Added to my cover letter some hints about the moral of each story, and why it's great, in case they are too dense to get it. My cover letter is now two and a half pages, but I saved space by using a smaller font. Sent old stories with new cover letter to Realms. Sent five new stories to Azimov's, since F&SF moved, and no one in on-line workshop seems to have the new address — everyone still has the old one. V. unprofessional.

Day 67:

Pervy on-line workshop. 'Derivative.' I'll derivative them in my critiques!

Day 71:

Told them on-line that if everyone ignores stupid rules about 'Courier 10' format, what can the stupid editors do? Explained that all those diddly rules add up to the fact that New York really doesn't want any new writers. They make all these rules to keep us out.

Day 72:

Nobody posted in answer to my outing those NY perves, but got two e-mails from ppl. who agree. One guy has 47 novels done, sent to over 30 publishers. Says that's proof NY is v. against genius. Other says she's been to every single SF con for ten years, talked to every editor about her fantasy trilogy, and they all duck into rest room. V. Strange — just like co-workers. Drones! They are all drones. Everyone on-line knows I speak the truth but they are just afraid to admit it.

Day: 88:

Workshop sucks. Everything sucks. Mail carrier sucks — all the stories came back on same day.

Day 100:

Realized being alone at work is a good thing. I can really think. I have come to the realization that what I really am is an editor.

Day 101:

I am going to start a new zine. Yes, a zine for writers who those pervy editors in New York have all conspired to keep out of publishing, because we all know they are secretly shagging those stupid writers. I will showcase the cutting edge stories, like mine, that New York is afraid to publish. I will make my showcase zine on-line, so I don't have to lay out money for printing and postage and rely on pervy mail carriers. I will be the one to accept and reject! My friends will get showcased, and those other pervy drones will get a rejection letter I am putting the final touches on. They'll learn!

Day 102:

Announced my zine on-line.

Day 103:

Already have 1,258 submissions. Bought books on HTML. Go me!