THE SECRET DIARY OF CLUELESS NEWBIE #909

Day 1:

So, I found this great site — u_pub_ur_own.com — where they only charge $7.49 to publish your book. They even do the copy edit. They're cheap because they outsource their copy editing to a company in Taiwan (Who outsources it to a company made up entirely of Indonesian girls who are trying to emigrate, I believe).

The actual production is done by hand. How cool is that! Each copy is hand drawn by Nanobots(R), which is a trade name for legless pigmy goats in Ireland who have a remarkable ability to mimic the typed word (including the font and font changes) using a felt tip marker clenched in their teeth. They work for hay.

u_pub_ur_own will also provide an extensive marketing plan free. They will execute the plan for an extra fee. They say on their web site that if you pay for the plan they guarantee sales in the double digits and they even provide the envelopes for the mass mailing (varying number based on how many friends you have.) They will also provide covers for your book (English language and more than one color is extra — off-gray with off-gray lettering is standard)

Day 1.5:

So what could I do? I had to get my "Lord Of The Tongue Studs" novel published, and since I'm not one of the in crowd, nor am I friends of any publishers, there's no way I could interest those big publishing houses (who would have messed with my book anyway and called it editing) so I went with u_pub_ur_own.

$7.50. How could I miss?. Of course I wanted to sell the book, so I got the marketing package (with envelopes), and I asked for a four color cover (You really get five counting white — what a deal!). Then I opted for expedited service (Some goats are faster than others) and decided to get the amason.com listing (which is not the regular Amazon listing they provide which is a sign nailed to a stick and stuck in the dirt in Brazil.)

Day 372:

I got my first copy! What a feeling! It was a little sloppy (those goats spit a lot when their teeth are clenched) but I got it seven months early. The total out of pocket expense came up to $3,299.95, but each extra I got was something I wanted — no hidden costs.

Day 373:

So "Lord Of The Tongue Studs" is available from amason.com for only $4,369.33 per copy. There are volume discounts.

So there, you big publisher established writers who won't let us in to your club even though my writing is so much better and more interesting. I've got a book out, and I will be going on tour to some place called Kamchacta. I've heard winter is nice there.

Ha! I showed them!