THE SECRET DIARY OF CLUELESS NEWBIE #841

Day 1:

Wrote four novels this afternoon. Have hit upon the spiffy never-before-done idea of sending ten wacky characters on an adventure in space. Is Sci-Fi so have made them all clones.

Day 2:

Have studied my favorite Sci-Fi novel and realized I need more techno-babble, so invented twelve new cool gadgets and described them in detail. Go me!

Day 7:

Showed my first novel (all of it) to my writer's group. They loved my book! Especially when I stopped reading! Have noted down all their suggestions even though I don't need them.

Day 8:

Strange. Received five anonymous emails asking me to donate all my hardcopy manuscripts for the winter home heating charity. V. funny. Don't they know it's summer?

Day 10:

Studied my favorite novel again. Decided to add more world-building. Wrote ten pages (single-spaced) to cover the five thousand years of recent history so readers can admire the depth and reality of my world.

Day 11:

E-mailed the rest of my novels to everyone in my writer's group. Told them to be blunt, be honest, and tell me how great I am.

Day 12:

Heard back from all five members today. What weeners! Where do they get off talking about "purple prose?!?!!" I used black-and-white!!! Stupid writers. They are obviously jealous and cannot appreciate my superb writing. Will show them! First step is to make a v. spiffy website.

Day 16:

Whew! Finished creating my website with excerpts from my wonderful novels. Have added lots of spiffy graphics (v. big ones) and music and fun blinky text with fancy fonts. (Just like a real Sci-Fi movie!) Now to wait for editors to call me up and offer the Big Bux.

Day 32:

Waiting.

Day 79:

Waiting. Boy, these editors take a long time. Maybe they are all fighting over how much to pay me?

Day 102:

No answer yet from famous editors but still hopeful. In the mean time, have started posting on a writer's bulletin board. Gave everyone the URL of my website. Told them to be blunt. Used lots of foreign phrases to show how cultured I am. Plus lots of CAPITAL LETTERS, and cool punctuation marks

Day 104:

Stupid pervy writers. All they do is complain. I was v. polite and told them all how their comments were USELESS to me and my books were ALREADY best-sellers!! (And I had to explain again the part about using lots of techno-babble. Obviously they don't understand real Sci-Fi.) Only one person with good advice. Gave me the name of a publishing house — something called Vanity Publisher.