THE SECRET DIARY OF CLUELESS NEWBIE #51

Day 1:

Finish novel. Change name to Elorian, Rider of Storms. New name looks divine on driver's license.

Day 2:

Sign up for 20 workshops, all taking place in the next calendar year. Submit my just-completed manuscript to all of them.

Day 3:

Print homemade business cards with iridescent unicorns, my name, and my email address (elorian1443@yahoo.com). Attach one to each manuscript, which I am now mailing to all 10 publishers on my list.

Day 4:

Buy membership to first con ever. World Fantasy... does that mean it's big?

Day 23:

First day at con. Have spent afternoon in the bar comparing faces to photos from Locus spreads. Have not spotted any editors yet.

Day 24:

Chatted up several other writers. They seemed to be surprised to learn that I had an editor! Explained that his fees are quite reasonable, but they seemed scornful. Suspect they are jealous. Pervy editor fanciers! Gave them all my cards just in case, but seemed a waste of lovely iridescent stickers.

Day 25:

Last day of con. Worked up nerve to show manuscript to real live editor. He read it in the hallway just outside the men's room! V. nice of him.

Day 63:

Have been to first workshop. Did not like suggestions made, so ignored all of them. Am waiting to hear back from editor who saw my manuscript at the con, but he has not replied to my six emails. Ah well, will simply send another.

Day 94:

Been to two more workshops. People trying to be helpful, but cannot change story as has already been sent to publishers.

Day 1,031:

All people in workshops are gay. Editors do not return my emails. Do not like publishing.

Day 1,032:

Have forged Ring of Power. Now will run world of publishing MY way.